Life and it's Unknowns

What's worse than someone breaking you heart? Someone who lies about it and pretends like nothing happened. He will be fine, it's not the first time something like this has happened to him and he is pretty sure there will be a few more cases such as this

"Boy, you really know how to pick them huh?" he thought to himself, see he is someone who believes in karma, he is not a man of god, never was and never will be. Clearly in his past life he was some rich prince who fucked over millions of girls so he's paying the price now.

What he is really pissed about is how someone could lie like that, to put him through soo much trouble and to prove that he isn't playing around just to let him know over a text, a fucking text that she isn't interested in a relationship and isn't looking for anything at the moment. It pained him but there is no point forcing it.

Love is like farts, if you force it, it's probably shit

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Not Alone

Things are alright at the moment, I can honestly say I'm actually happy. First time I'm really happy since February-ish. And frankly, I'm happy because of myself and what I'm making of it. I don't need love, I don't need affection and I sure as hell don't need to be played. 

If I was given the choice of making a portion of my life disappear I would say, February right up till early July, you could just take it and burn it in hell.


Keep telling myself that I'm fine but am not really sure if I am, I don't even know if I'm lying to myself. Fuck it I'll have the benefit of the doubt. Owh, I started to sketch again and I started to write again. Now to just start back the guitar and I'm a happy boy. But not sure if I'd have the time for all of this once September comes.

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Disgust

I swear how the fuck some guys get girls is beyond me. She is a fucking angel, sorry to say but how'd she end up with a douche like you?

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

I Remember

There actually was a time when I loved to write, like literally write about ANYTHING, all time favourite topic would always be about horror, thinking of different scenarios on how to kill people and how to make them suffer. Damn I was one messed up but happy kid.


Nowadays, can't say the same, been trying but it doesn't get there, I need to start again if possible. Now I just sketch how I feel or when I feel creative. Unfortunately I've been having "cravings"; I want to start back the guitar, finish the SU-27, sketch more, write more, clean up my laptop and lastly put on some fucking weight.

Okay just writting whats on my mind, I realised that actually very pessimistic. I cant seem to let myself have a nice time with life, when things are going well, I MUST FUCK IT UP. That I have realised is a habit. Really need to overcome this habit man.

I really need to sort out my life this month, August is the month of recovery for me, seeing as to I dont have Uni for a month and I'm back to work, I wont have much of a social life again so I will save money and would have more time to myself unless I start back the routine of sleep work sleep work.

Every fucking time its like that my mind saying

"Alright Navin, time to prove everyone wrong, time to make things right, time to sort up your life, time to get back on track with stuff"

and every fucking time I dont fucking prove anything because I can't seem to change my errors. Fuck I actually gave up trying to quit smoking, that is not happening man, I've fucking tried. Honestly dont make it a habit,


These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Another chapter maybe?

There is only so much a person take, so much of heartbreak on person and endure. He has finally decided to give up, don't go chasing for it but let it come chasing for him, marriage is not something he thinks is a reality. If anything he imagines he would die infront of a TV, fat, old and with a whiskey at hand, alone only to be found by someone when his body starts to decompose.


He still doesn't understand, how one could say soo much and later pretend they never said it, that he should bugger off because she ain't worth it. He has reached his boiling point, he has given up in general.

He doesn't need that, he has soo much ahead of him, much more than he could imagine, blessed as he could be, he feels something is missing, he wants to feel loved


These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

The days go by fine for him, not a single time where he would have a worry even when things weren't going too well. Until, the drive home every night.

See he wasn't the type that likes to be at home, not because of familial problems he just feels soo trapped at home, every night he would go out, meet with friends, share some laughs and enjoy himself. When he gets in his car, lights a cigarette and starts driving, he starts feeling remorse, regret and self pity.


He's still confused about the things in his head, too much going on and too little time to interpret and to make time for everything. In spite of all the problems he never had any issues with sleep, until recently. He would stay up late at nights doing absolutely nothing, sheer pleasure of computer games or all the other usual things that keep him preoccupied dont seem to interest him anymore. Instead he starts thinking ahead.

Not in terms of the following day or the following week but more like, five months from now, five years from now and so on. Thinking about his career, thinking about his miserable love life and what it could have been with who.


He doesn't go a day without that feeling of regret for all the people he has hurt and bridges he had burned in such a short span of time. He's still at a daze, still trying to figure out what had happen to the person he once was a year ago and who is this monster that he has turned into.

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

There Is No End

Honestly seems like there is no end to this chapter. I'm trying to start a new chapter in life, I want to move on, I want to change. Now the changing there is progress, but the chapter is taking abit longer, I want to clear the air with you two first but you don't plan on giving me a chance to do so.

She wanting to end a relationship for no apparent reason is justified... She's a girl, she is unhappy. But me, having being a fucking wreck for two months wondering what the fuck did I do wrong, did I hurt her, did I offend her, were we going too fast? Fucking questions that run through my head every fucking night and eventually after 4 months deciding to end things because I feel it's not working, that the only time we talk is when I call or bbm or try to go out with her, to take the fucking initiative to try and work things out, now I'm an insensitive, inconsiderate bastard for doing that. You have no fucking idea what I when through.

During that break we had, my mum would ask me "When am I gonna meet her?" All I would tell my mum is that you are busy that you have things to do. Pathetic right?

Well fuck that, I don't want bad blood between us, what has happened has happened but don't just fucking sit there when your best friend goes around spreading shit that isn't true.


These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

I Have Way Too Many Names

Sat-Nav huh? That's a new one. Care to explain? Yes I still do. On occasions. Mate, I feel like shit for not being there when you need someone but I really need to worry about myself at the moment. Shit is looking up for me but just a little bit. The usual drama and shit.


Amazing how after all that we both pretend like nothing happened at all. Shocking, but I want to prove you wrong as Alo said so. Still confused on what is going on but fuck it I'm taking baby steps.


Here I am at 5.02am on a fucking Monday morning, lying in bed regretting stay out chilling but at the same time, I had a fuck load of fun with Vinot and Nal. Last I saw Vinot was back when Inka sent him home.. it was either then or when I when to Back to School. As for Nal the last time I saw her was at the CNY gathering. Yes, it has been fucking long.

Vinot did something amazing today, something of like numerology. Not to predict the future but to tell a little bit about myself with nothing more than my birthday. Everything he said about me was true, even the traits I didn't realize. I was mind fucked, didn't want to believe it so I got him to do Mark. I was truly convinced after that.

Overall tonight was what I needed. Friends, shisha, booze and laughter. No one whom I had affection for, no crazy bitches and surely no drama. Enjoyed it.

Something really made me upset today. Rumors. I ended things because four fucking months, nothing was happening. I was a fucking mess, apparently that is normal for a guy right? To feel pain? But when I ended things, suddenly I'm the dick? See when she wanted to end it I tried, I talked her to taking a break. But she was like "owh okay, yeah" So don't say I'm an asshole for it. As for the whole "sleeping with someone and disrespecting your friends" honey, just saying I slept on the same bed, that was about it, I don't randomly fuck random people kay. I don't do that. That whole thing was a fucking misunderstanding, but whatever. I'll talk to you later today, not to defend myself but to clear the air and you tell you what exactly happened. That is, IF you want to talk to me. Next time, say something instead of putting it on Twitter.. thenkiu


Well no sleep tonight, back to assignments
These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

My Problem

Know what my problem is? I'm a fucking fucker who loves to get hurt.


I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SAY ALL OF THAT AND WHEN I FUCKING SO SOME FUCKING AFFECTION YOU DECIDE TO BOLD?


I'm fucking pissed, I seriously want to just smoke. But then again I can't use cigarettes as my excuse to everything. You don't do that to someone for fuck's sake, you don't fucking play with someone's feelings.


You keep asking "are you mad at me" I keep replying "no" What the fuck am I supposed to feel sweetheart? A fucking parade?


You really know how to pick them, Navin.

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

It Has Been Handled

So shit hasn't been going so well lately as most of you were aware of it. Aware that I was depressed and I was giving up.

I broke down, that was my breaking point. I was fucking done, honestly if I was alone I would have done it. I felt the walls of the world closing in and suffocating me. Sara, I can't thank you enough for being there that  night. I assume that you got into a fuck load of trouble but I really needed someone and unfortunately you had to bear with me.



The past is the past. Fuck what has happened, I am a new man. I will be there and I will help those who are in need of help, to give others a second chance and to avoid those to have brought me misery.


These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Spiraling Down

We spiral down
No one can save you now
We slide away
No one can bring you around


Why do i do this to myself? Why do I do this to other people? Fuck, I don't want any of this really. I  don't anyone anyone and I want to just want to get in the car and runaway for a few days, no handphones, no internet, no friends. Just me, myself and whatever is waiting for me. Maybe I'd do that this coming weekend. 


Requested for the graveyard shift to gather my thought and find myself. I enjoy the fact that I'm working alone and with very little human contact. 




Confessions to make




Honestly,

I might actually be suffering from depression. Been doing some reading and symptoms are there. Not all but they are. If anything mild depression maybe? May need to see a shrink about this. 

I regret everything I have done to you, you don't deserve that and frankly I don't deserve to be part of your existence. I've been nothing but a burden to you. I've caused you nothing but pain and misery. 

I guess that is meant for a few people in my life. Friends and family alike.

Fifth day of graveyard shift. In spite of the fact I'm actually at work, this feels like a vacation for me. Lack of human contact feels great. Am actually considering working this shift on a normal basis.  All I'd have to worry about is work and Uni. Yes, it's shit that I'd most probably cut out my social life and seem like a little emo piece of shit but frankly I feel its the best for me for now. 

Dad has been asking if I'm alright, if everything is bearable with me. I guess he knows I'm not being myself in spite of the fact I'm barely at home and barely spending time with the family. Actually plan on taking him out tomorrow for a beer and just pouring it all out to him. To let him know where I stand and what's going on in my life that way if I do kill myself it won't be such a mystery. At least someone would know. 

And yes I've actually considered it

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Why?

Seriously why the fuck do that to someone? I don't know how to feel. Im gonna shut it out for tonight, blog about this and release all this shit after my paper.. I really need to study and this is not fucking helping

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Didn't think it's possible from feeling on top of the world to a worthless piece of shit in just a matter of months..

I have no one but myself to blame

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Fuck me and my curiosity.. I just want to die in a corner

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be,

For my unconquerable soul,

In the fell clutch of circumstance,

I have not winced nor cried aloud,

Under the bludgeoning of chance,

My head is bloody, but unbowed,

Beyond this place of wrath and tears,

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years,

Finds and Shall find me unafraid,

It matters not strait the gate,

How charged with punishment the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul

-William Ernest Henley

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

The Stereotypes

Tired as fuck, am actually thinking maybe I have waay too much on my plate..

lacking in sleep, I havent been doing my notes, assignments are piling up...

I need to sort out my priorities

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

There isn't a moment he doesn't think about it,

It's always a lingering thought in his head,

No matter how much work he has,

It would always be in his head,

He feels helpless, like he's stuck in a hole,

Unsure what to do and who to take comfort from,

He just wants things back to how it was,

He feels it's very selfish of him,

A few days back he was sketching,

He came across some thing scribbled in one of the last few pages,

He stared blankly at it,

A drop fell on the page,

He realized he was tearing up,

He cried,

He felt vulnerable only to you,

He will wait.

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Mid-Mid-Life Crisis

Convinced myself that I'm going through a mid mid life crisis. I recently decided to start back my old hobby of model making.. currently building the Sukhoi Su-27 B2 Sea Flanker.

This one right here

Feels good to be back at it man. Seriously good. Pictures on the process will be up soon

Supplements and Nutrients

Seriously felt like puking during the morning work out.. but there wasnt much to puke. Getting abit addicted to physical torture. It feels nice.

Recently bought protein shake, creatine and glutemine. The creatine is fine, since you have to take it with a juice so having something sweet kills the taste. but the glutemine, owh god that you have to just take a spoon of it and just put it in your mouth. now right about then I seriously felt like puking. Somehow managed to hold it in.

Starting to pick what I eat. Not soo much with unhealthy foods, that is seriously a pain in the ass. The sacrifices we do to look better huh?

Parked the car and walked to class. Suddenly felt like getting something to eat. And then I realized I left my wallet in the car. Fucking brilliant. Hope no one breaks in the car wei

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Whoaa Seriously?

Okay not really bothered.. it's really not my problem but what the fuck? That was fast right? I seriously made the right decision man. All I would really get in return is one major fucking headache. I'd rather have a mental breakdown than that shit.

Hahah I have soo much to bitch about it but I guess that is mean. And I'm a responsible adult who doesn't do that. Fuck... I really want to. Dammit.

Meh.. Time to gym

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

No Sleep

I'm seriously beginning to hate going to bed. I end up think too much about everything.. the fuck man.

But there was only one topic that was always lingering there.. dammit.. I need professional help man.

Was given a room to stay at yesterday night because was working back to back. Damn sad, stoning in the room alone with a beer and a cig. Just a short post. Hope to start blogging more often

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

To Set Free The Mind

Yes, it's been too long. It's been almost a year since I last blogged. Why the sudden urge to blog?

Simple

I've come to realize that the blog has become dead. People rarely come to visit it making it a great place to express myself. At least for the time being. Can't really do this on Facebook; people would think that I'm a emo baby. And frankly I hate it when people post up every fucking thing on Facebook. As for Twitter? Too many people follow me and again, people have been complaining that my tweets have been a tad bit emo. So much for freedom of speech huh?


Where to begin? I've done soo much since May 23rd 2011. I've graduated, I've enjoyed nine months of freedom, I met someone that i want to be with and I was alive.


Funny how things change really fast.. Started my degree and continued on working, just to get my mind off you. Mum thinks that the lack of sleep is because of work. I shrug off her claims that I'm tired. I don't feel tired; I'm just pretty darn upset.


Decided to skip Commerce class and MICE management to get a start on assignments and continue on the notes from where I last left off. Assignment almost done and notes haven't even started. I keep procrastinating and finding other things to do. 3 hours till the next class. Try to finish up in 2 hours grab lunch and off to the next class.


Frankly I don't know if I want to talk about you.. there is still that fear that you might read this.. that you might think that I'm a pathetic piece of shit. God, I hate letting people in. Everytime I let someone in, I get hurt, every fucking time.  Well not today, as much as I want to pour my heart out here, not today.

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up