Hello Again

I am back, decided I need a place to write again. Not bothered if people know or find this. I have nothing to hide.

Ever questioned why you are here? When you are sitting alone in the car driving home and you just wonder what is the purpose of everything? Sure everyone says to study, get a decent job find a wife and enjoy the good life. But seriously, is that is? Is there not anything else? I guess most people have that question answered for them when they find love.. then again love is a powerful word, lets say significant other. When they do everything makes sense and life is complete. Heh, wish I can say I have experienced that in life.


It used to bug me to hell that I could never find someone who would feel the same way as I do for them, it would usually be "I'm not looking for a relationship now" or "I don't think so" or best yet "NO"

But then a friend gave me a bit of advice and totally and completely made sense.

Before you go looking for the perfect person for you, make sure that you are the perfect person for someone.

It made me realize and it made me open my eyes. Basically made me take a good look at myself.

What did I have? What do I have to offer? What is so great about myself?

I couldn't answer these questions and I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm just not ready to be with anyone at the moment, that I needed to sort my things out, sort my life out.


But what happens when someone comes in your life and changes that? What if that person is someone of a complete stranger? You know nothing of this person other than their name. Your only relation to this person could be maybe from work, college or maybe just someone you see at a coffeeshop where you get your fix.

Now most people would go on and just say "Hey, man up, what do you have to lose? If she says no, move on" But are you really? How could you? The fact that you are just infatuated with just her beauty that it becomes a distraction. She walks past and your heartbeat shoots up, when you see her in the elevator you just want to cover and hide.


This is what fear feels like.

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Life and it's Unknowns

What's worse than someone breaking you heart? Someone who lies about it and pretends like nothing happened. He will be fine, it's not the first time something like this has happened to him and he is pretty sure there will be a few more cases such as this

"Boy, you really know how to pick them huh?" he thought to himself, see he is someone who believes in karma, he is not a man of god, never was and never will be. Clearly in his past life he was some rich prince who fucked over millions of girls so he's paying the price now.

What he is really pissed about is how someone could lie like that, to put him through soo much trouble and to prove that he isn't playing around just to let him know over a text, a fucking text that she isn't interested in a relationship and isn't looking for anything at the moment. It pained him but there is no point forcing it.

Love is like farts, if you force it, it's probably shit

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Not Alone

Things are alright at the moment, I can honestly say I'm actually happy. First time I'm really happy since February-ish. And frankly, I'm happy because of myself and what I'm making of it. I don't need love, I don't need affection and I sure as hell don't need to be played. 

If I was given the choice of making a portion of my life disappear I would say, February right up till early July, you could just take it and burn it in hell.


Keep telling myself that I'm fine but am not really sure if I am, I don't even know if I'm lying to myself. Fuck it I'll have the benefit of the doubt. Owh, I started to sketch again and I started to write again. Now to just start back the guitar and I'm a happy boy. But not sure if I'd have the time for all of this once September comes.

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Disgust

I swear how the fuck some guys get girls is beyond me. She is a fucking angel, sorry to say but how'd she end up with a douche like you?

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

I Remember

There actually was a time when I loved to write, like literally write about ANYTHING, all time favourite topic would always be about horror, thinking of different scenarios on how to kill people and how to make them suffer. Damn I was one messed up but happy kid.


Nowadays, can't say the same, been trying but it doesn't get there, I need to start again if possible. Now I just sketch how I feel or when I feel creative. Unfortunately I've been having "cravings"; I want to start back the guitar, finish the SU-27, sketch more, write more, clean up my laptop and lastly put on some fucking weight.

Okay just writting whats on my mind, I realised that actually very pessimistic. I cant seem to let myself have a nice time with life, when things are going well, I MUST FUCK IT UP. That I have realised is a habit. Really need to overcome this habit man.

I really need to sort out my life this month, August is the month of recovery for me, seeing as to I dont have Uni for a month and I'm back to work, I wont have much of a social life again so I will save money and would have more time to myself unless I start back the routine of sleep work sleep work.

Every fucking time its like that my mind saying

"Alright Navin, time to prove everyone wrong, time to make things right, time to sort up your life, time to get back on track with stuff"

and every fucking time I dont fucking prove anything because I can't seem to change my errors. Fuck I actually gave up trying to quit smoking, that is not happening man, I've fucking tried. Honestly dont make it a habit,


These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Another chapter maybe?

There is only so much a person take, so much of heartbreak on person and endure. He has finally decided to give up, don't go chasing for it but let it come chasing for him, marriage is not something he thinks is a reality. If anything he imagines he would die infront of a TV, fat, old and with a whiskey at hand, alone only to be found by someone when his body starts to decompose.


He still doesn't understand, how one could say soo much and later pretend they never said it, that he should bugger off because she ain't worth it. He has reached his boiling point, he has given up in general.

He doesn't need that, he has soo much ahead of him, much more than he could imagine, blessed as he could be, he feels something is missing, he wants to feel loved


These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

The days go by fine for him, not a single time where he would have a worry even when things weren't going too well. Until, the drive home every night.

See he wasn't the type that likes to be at home, not because of familial problems he just feels soo trapped at home, every night he would go out, meet with friends, share some laughs and enjoy himself. When he gets in his car, lights a cigarette and starts driving, he starts feeling remorse, regret and self pity.


He's still confused about the things in his head, too much going on and too little time to interpret and to make time for everything. In spite of all the problems he never had any issues with sleep, until recently. He would stay up late at nights doing absolutely nothing, sheer pleasure of computer games or all the other usual things that keep him preoccupied dont seem to interest him anymore. Instead he starts thinking ahead.

Not in terms of the following day or the following week but more like, five months from now, five years from now and so on. Thinking about his career, thinking about his miserable love life and what it could have been with who.


He doesn't go a day without that feeling of regret for all the people he has hurt and bridges he had burned in such a short span of time. He's still at a daze, still trying to figure out what had happen to the person he once was a year ago and who is this monster that he has turned into.

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up