2 Months

May 2014. I don't think I'd be able to ever forget this month of this year. It will forever be seared into my memory till the day I die. The weight of the metal on my wrists. Though the experience itself was not entirely scary the aftermath was bad.

Financial constrains for the past two months so I could pay off the people who paid first. Though I am in debt to them for helping me out, they clearly did not want to help. Some even going to the point to just say no then to continue lecturing me on it. Best part was all that while I was still in looking for help.

Needless to say I learnt alot these two months, I've seen the nasty side of people and also the good. I know who would stand by me and help me overcome the difficulties and who would tell me to fuck off and deal with it on my own.

Yea, I'm bummed about it. But I'm happier burning the bridges that have caused so much pain for so many years. I'm done with these people, I want nothing to do with them and wish them a good life. I hate how they have changed me, I hate how materialistic they are, I hate how two faced they are, I hate the fact that logic does not seem to comprehend to them.

You will not know the struggle as most of you are born with a silver spoon. You will never know the suffering and sleepless nights that some of us put up with wondering how are they to manage on and keep on going when there is nothing left.

I am happy to say, that you people are no longer part of my life. Goodbye and I hope never to see you people again.

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

3 Weeks In a Row

That makes it three weeks.

Yesterday has to be by far the worst day of my life so far. Stupidity lead to it, I mean really that place wasn't the best idea.

But yea, 3 weeks in a row, 3 weekends of nothing but complete and utter fuckery. I swear I'm on like thin ice on sanity. I want to just crawl into a corner and just die. It's safe to say I'm going to be clean for quite abit as this was clearly a wake up call.

I'm scared to leave the house for some reason. fuck me

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Hello Again

I am back, decided I need a place to write again. Not bothered if people know or find this. I have nothing to hide.

Ever questioned why you are here? When you are sitting alone in the car driving home and you just wonder what is the purpose of everything? Sure everyone says to study, get a decent job find a wife and enjoy the good life. But seriously, is that is? Is there not anything else? I guess most people have that question answered for them when they find love.. then again love is a powerful word, lets say significant other. When they do everything makes sense and life is complete. Heh, wish I can say I have experienced that in life.


It used to bug me to hell that I could never find someone who would feel the same way as I do for them, it would usually be "I'm not looking for a relationship now" or "I don't think so" or best yet "NO"

But then a friend gave me a bit of advice and totally and completely made sense.

Before you go looking for the perfect person for you, make sure that you are the perfect person for someone.

It made me realize and it made me open my eyes. Basically made me take a good look at myself.

What did I have? What do I have to offer? What is so great about myself?

I couldn't answer these questions and I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm just not ready to be with anyone at the moment, that I needed to sort my things out, sort my life out.


But what happens when someone comes in your life and changes that? What if that person is someone of a complete stranger? You know nothing of this person other than their name. Your only relation to this person could be maybe from work, college or maybe just someone you see at a coffeeshop where you get your fix.

Now most people would go on and just say "Hey, man up, what do you have to lose? If she says no, move on" But are you really? How could you? The fact that you are just infatuated with just her beauty that it becomes a distraction. She walks past and your heartbeat shoots up, when you see her in the elevator you just want to cover and hide.


This is what fear feels like.

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Life and it's Unknowns

What's worse than someone breaking you heart? Someone who lies about it and pretends like nothing happened. He will be fine, it's not the first time something like this has happened to him and he is pretty sure there will be a few more cases such as this

"Boy, you really know how to pick them huh?" he thought to himself, see he is someone who believes in karma, he is not a man of god, never was and never will be. Clearly in his past life he was some rich prince who fucked over millions of girls so he's paying the price now.

What he is really pissed about is how someone could lie like that, to put him through soo much trouble and to prove that he isn't playing around just to let him know over a text, a fucking text that she isn't interested in a relationship and isn't looking for anything at the moment. It pained him but there is no point forcing it.

Love is like farts, if you force it, it's probably shit

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Not Alone

Things are alright at the moment, I can honestly say I'm actually happy. First time I'm really happy since February-ish. And frankly, I'm happy because of myself and what I'm making of it. I don't need love, I don't need affection and I sure as hell don't need to be played. 

If I was given the choice of making a portion of my life disappear I would say, February right up till early July, you could just take it and burn it in hell.


Keep telling myself that I'm fine but am not really sure if I am, I don't even know if I'm lying to myself. Fuck it I'll have the benefit of the doubt. Owh, I started to sketch again and I started to write again. Now to just start back the guitar and I'm a happy boy. But not sure if I'd have the time for all of this once September comes.

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Disgust

I swear how the fuck some guys get girls is beyond me. She is a fucking angel, sorry to say but how'd she end up with a douche like you?

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

I Remember

There actually was a time when I loved to write, like literally write about ANYTHING, all time favourite topic would always be about horror, thinking of different scenarios on how to kill people and how to make them suffer. Damn I was one messed up but happy kid.


Nowadays, can't say the same, been trying but it doesn't get there, I need to start again if possible. Now I just sketch how I feel or when I feel creative. Unfortunately I've been having "cravings"; I want to start back the guitar, finish the SU-27, sketch more, write more, clean up my laptop and lastly put on some fucking weight.

Okay just writting whats on my mind, I realised that actually very pessimistic. I cant seem to let myself have a nice time with life, when things are going well, I MUST FUCK IT UP. That I have realised is a habit. Really need to overcome this habit man.

I really need to sort out my life this month, August is the month of recovery for me, seeing as to I dont have Uni for a month and I'm back to work, I wont have much of a social life again so I will save money and would have more time to myself unless I start back the routine of sleep work sleep work.

Every fucking time its like that my mind saying

"Alright Navin, time to prove everyone wrong, time to make things right, time to sort up your life, time to get back on track with stuff"

and every fucking time I dont fucking prove anything because I can't seem to change my errors. Fuck I actually gave up trying to quit smoking, that is not happening man, I've fucking tried. Honestly dont make it a habit,


These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up