About Old Love

I'm pretty stoned as I write this, but its an interesting story, its one of my stories. The story of my first love.

This goes way back to kindergarten. Alot about kindergarten is a blur or I have no recollection of. But the memory of her back then, that I can't forget. I'm not sure when I first saw her nor how did friends and family know about my crush on her.  But it happened, people would tease and what not. Being a 6 year old boy you would deny everything, even if it was true.

Primary school... she was still around and mind you I have never spoken to her at all. Primary school I was trying to impress her, I don't know why but I always felt like everyone was look at my every action like the Truman Show. So when I was nine years old if I'm not mistaken I was walking down the stairs and knowing that I was walking past her class, acted all cool and walked down. Unfortunately I missed a step and fell. Luckily I didnt fall forward but on my bum. But I kept falling down the steps, like butt, butt, butt.

Quickly got up (thank god no one saw me) and walked away all macho. But I was in a shit lot of pain, I had cut myself on by back on a few places. Just the scratches, not bad enough to bleed or draw blood. But it hurt like hell when my shirt touched the cuts. Still remember calling my aunt to come pick me up because I was in a lot of pain.

That was also the same year that she was selected to take this one test that would let you skip a grade. As much of a dick as it may seem, I really didnt want her to pass that test. I didn't want to see her go. She passed the test but decided not to skip a grade but rather to continue on as per normal. Not much after that. Till the awesomeness of end of the school year when I was ten years old.

The school year was over, it was the last day of class. Our names had been put up for the following years class arrangements. And we were supposed to be the same class, as classmates; for the first time ever we were to be in the same class. This was my opportunity, my chance to say 'Hi', to be friends... thats as far as I thought then, was a bit of a good boy. I can say though, I didn't know how I was gonna approach her.


Two months of school holidays came and went, had an awesome holiday doing whatever it is 10 year old Navin was doing back then and was not the least bit upset the holidays were over. Not upset because it gave me a chance to see her, I will be seeing her everyday for the rest of this new schooling year.

So I went in class, with the swagger only a little boy in love could have and took his place. Patiently waited as my new classmates decided where they wanted to sit or with whom they wanted to sit with. Eagerly peering at the door at every new person entering the classroom expecting her to make her appearance, to take her seat. But it didn't happen, the teacher came in and began class. I presumed that maybe she is sick or maybe even still on vacation and will be back in school later in the week.

I patiently waited for the rest of the week. The following week came and I decided to ask a friend of hers only to find out that she had migrated to the United States as her mum got married to an American. That was shit. Complete and utter shit. With no contact from her, no details she was gone, just a memory that I would just look back and cringe.

Years past and I got over it. Got into my first relationship a few year later and ended that. Fun times, all messy and extremely regrettable. Well, one night when I was 15 years old, I get a Facebook message from an old kindergarten friend, asking me if I remembered this girl from our kindergarten. He gave the description and told me where she was now, I immediately blew a fuse, can it be her? Am I getting a second chance? Even with the distance why not? Could this be it?

So basically she was trying to reconnect with everyone from kindergarten and primary school that she was friends with. I wasn't exactly friends with her but I... errr... knew her hehe. Well I added her on Facebook and sent her a personal message just to reassure her that I'm not a weirdo adding her (when I kinda was) and was infact someone from her kindergarten.

She accepted! We started catching up and taking, hell we would talk every bloody day, MSN and Facebook. The good old days, it was going well, I finally was getting to know her and she was planning on coming down to Malaysia to visit her grandmother. This gave me a chance to take her out, maybe even a date.

Sadly as we got to know each other better, I started to realize that we weren't compatible for each other, that we were worlds apart and that there wasn't much hope for anything other than to be friends with her. But how could you? This is the first person you had feeling / fell for / or whatever you want to call it. We drifted apart and one day we were no longer friends on Facebook. I'm not even sure if I deleted her or she deleted me.

This story is the very definition on how sad my love life is. And yes all of it is true


These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

2 Months

May 2014. I don't think I'd be able to ever forget this month of this year. It will forever be seared into my memory till the day I die. The weight of the metal on my wrists. Though the experience itself was not entirely scary the aftermath was bad.

Financial constrains for the past two months so I could pay off the people who paid first. Though I am in debt to them for helping me out, they clearly did not want to help. Some even going to the point to just say no then to continue lecturing me on it. Best part was all that while I was still in looking for help.

Needless to say I learnt alot these two months, I've seen the nasty side of people and also the good. I know who would stand by me and help me overcome the difficulties and who would tell me to fuck off and deal with it on my own.

Yea, I'm bummed about it. But I'm happier burning the bridges that have caused so much pain for so many years. I'm done with these people, I want nothing to do with them and wish them a good life. I hate how they have changed me, I hate how materialistic they are, I hate how two faced they are, I hate the fact that logic does not seem to comprehend to them.

You will not know the struggle as most of you are born with a silver spoon. You will never know the suffering and sleepless nights that some of us put up with wondering how are they to manage on and keep on going when there is nothing left.

I am happy to say, that you people are no longer part of my life. Goodbye and I hope never to see you people again.

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

3 Weeks In a Row

That makes it three weeks.

Yesterday has to be by far the worst day of my life so far. Stupidity lead to it, I mean really that place wasn't the best idea.

But yea, 3 weeks in a row, 3 weekends of nothing but complete and utter fuckery. I swear I'm on like thin ice on sanity. I want to just crawl into a corner and just die. It's safe to say I'm going to be clean for quite abit as this was clearly a wake up call.

I'm scared to leave the house for some reason. fuck me

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Hello Again

I am back, decided I need a place to write again. Not bothered if people know or find this. I have nothing to hide.

Ever questioned why you are here? When you are sitting alone in the car driving home and you just wonder what is the purpose of everything? Sure everyone says to study, get a decent job find a wife and enjoy the good life. But seriously, is that is? Is there not anything else? I guess most people have that question answered for them when they find love.. then again love is a powerful word, lets say significant other. When they do everything makes sense and life is complete. Heh, wish I can say I have experienced that in life.


It used to bug me to hell that I could never find someone who would feel the same way as I do for them, it would usually be "I'm not looking for a relationship now" or "I don't think so" or best yet "NO"

But then a friend gave me a bit of advice and totally and completely made sense.

Before you go looking for the perfect person for you, make sure that you are the perfect person for someone.

It made me realize and it made me open my eyes. Basically made me take a good look at myself.

What did I have? What do I have to offer? What is so great about myself?

I couldn't answer these questions and I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm just not ready to be with anyone at the moment, that I needed to sort my things out, sort my life out.


But what happens when someone comes in your life and changes that? What if that person is someone of a complete stranger? You know nothing of this person other than their name. Your only relation to this person could be maybe from work, college or maybe just someone you see at a coffeeshop where you get your fix.

Now most people would go on and just say "Hey, man up, what do you have to lose? If she says no, move on" But are you really? How could you? The fact that you are just infatuated with just her beauty that it becomes a distraction. She walks past and your heartbeat shoots up, when you see her in the elevator you just want to cover and hide.


This is what fear feels like.

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Life and it's Unknowns

What's worse than someone breaking you heart? Someone who lies about it and pretends like nothing happened. He will be fine, it's not the first time something like this has happened to him and he is pretty sure there will be a few more cases such as this

"Boy, you really know how to pick them huh?" he thought to himself, see he is someone who believes in karma, he is not a man of god, never was and never will be. Clearly in his past life he was some rich prince who fucked over millions of girls so he's paying the price now.

What he is really pissed about is how someone could lie like that, to put him through soo much trouble and to prove that he isn't playing around just to let him know over a text, a fucking text that she isn't interested in a relationship and isn't looking for anything at the moment. It pained him but there is no point forcing it.

Love is like farts, if you force it, it's probably shit

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Not Alone

Things are alright at the moment, I can honestly say I'm actually happy. First time I'm really happy since February-ish. And frankly, I'm happy because of myself and what I'm making of it. I don't need love, I don't need affection and I sure as hell don't need to be played. 

If I was given the choice of making a portion of my life disappear I would say, February right up till early July, you could just take it and burn it in hell.


Keep telling myself that I'm fine but am not really sure if I am, I don't even know if I'm lying to myself. Fuck it I'll have the benefit of the doubt. Owh, I started to sketch again and I started to write again. Now to just start back the guitar and I'm a happy boy. But not sure if I'd have the time for all of this once September comes.

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up

Disgust

I swear how the fuck some guys get girls is beyond me. She is a fucking angel, sorry to say but how'd she end up with a douche like you?

These are my thoughts and views. If it really offends you, either you are a pushover or just a freaking baby, grow up